Even lowly smurfs (computer users that know nothing about the inner workings of their systems) use common jargon like 'megabyte,' 'network,' 'motherboard' and 'crash.' If you truly want to set yourself apart from the noobs, add some of the following bleeding-edge geekspeak to your daily conversations.

404: A person who hasn't got a clue. From the web error message, "404 Not Found." "Don't believe Bob. He's 404."

Alpha Geek: The most advanced computer expert in a workplace. "I can't help you. Check with Debra, she's our alpha geek."

Bang the Board: The act of typing. Usually refers to long sessions at the keyboard. "Can't you get me this data electronically? I don't want to bang the board all night."

Beam: To upload or download files. From the famous phrase "Beam me up Scotty."

Bean Can: Placing a heavy object on a computer to deaden the noise of an old or defective cooling fan. Often accompanied by percussive maintenance. "Your computer was driving me nuts so I bean canned it."

Blowing Your Buffer: Losing your train of thought. "Sorry, I just blew my buffer. What were we talking about?"

Blue Screen of Death: The blue screen Windows displays after an unrecoverable crash.

Chip Jewelry: Useless old computers only fit for decoration or turning into high-tech jewelry. "Now that we replaced all the systems, what are we going to do with all this chip jewelry?"

Chips and Salsa: Chips is hardware. Salsa is software. "You can't use that salsa. You don't have the right chips."

Cobweb: A website that is abandoned or never changes, usually with outdated information.

Dead Tree Edition: The printed version of a publication that is available in both paper and electronic versions.

Drunk Mouse Syndrome: When a computer's pointing device moves in random directions regardless of the movement of the actual mouse.

Egosurfing: Searching the Internet for one's own name.

Facemail: Talking to someone in person. "The net was down so I had to send it to Bob by facemail."

FUBAR: Acronym for "F**ked Up Beyond All Repair"

IPlode: Blowing your eardrums by having the volume too high on your portable music player.

It's a Feature: From the software designers' motto, "That's not a bug, it's a feature." Used to explain away a problem you wish to ignore.

Keyboard Plaque: The revolting build-up of crud found on many people's keyboards.

Link Rot: When a web page's links are broken as the sites they point to change or disappear.

Meatspace: The real world as opposed to virtual ones. Also known as the "carbon community."

Mouse Potato: The online form of couch potato.

Notwork: A computer network that has become "eccentric" or is down.

Ohnosecond: The infinitesimal measurement of time in which you realize you've just made a terrible error. i.e. closing a file you've worked on for hours without saving it or sending a dirty joke to your PTA e-mail list.

Percussive Maintenance: The sophisticated repair technique of striking, kicking and whacking a malfunctioning electronic device to get it to work again.

Plokta: Acronym for "Press Lots Of Keys To Abort." Pressing random keys or pounding the keyboard in a usually futile attempt to get any sort of response from a locked-up computer.

Siliwood: The impending fusion of movies, television and computers. From Silicon and Hollywood. Also "Hollywired."

Square-headed Spouse: One's personal computer.

Three-finger Salute: Pressing the Ctrl, Alt, and Delete keys all at the same time to restart a computer. Specifically by using one hand.

Treeware: Printed instructions or other material on paper.

Under Mouse Arrest: Having your Internet service revoked or restricted for violating an online provider's rules of conduct. "I couldn't meet you in the chat room. My ISP put me under mouse arrest."

Voice.net: The telephone system. "I'll be away from my computer so you'll have reach me on voice.net."